Sunday, May 3, 2009

notes from 11-16-08, acid, cabin, alone



I noticed so many different things about people, and life in general, tonight.

From the way this blonde Frisbee player clenches his jaw furiously as he observes the actions of his drunken friends

to the way this lonely looking guy in an orange jacket anxiously lifts his eyebrows when he speaks to people


Everything is just different.

I am really in love. I am.
Its an "empty" or...scary feeling sometimes. Not knowing whether the intensity of your feelings is mutual.
But for me, its there. I mean what else is there- but love?
Sometimes when I'm feeling my absolute worst, when I'm at my most broken, I pick myself up off of the ground... because in the back of my mind is this reassurance that the person I love is there- somewhere.

This all might seem crazy and immature but it's not. I'm just being real.

About Kristen: Her passion for people and her passion for every day romance warms my heart. Shes in love with love. I never noticed that before, she has such a kind soul.

Her two friends are here doing exactly what I can only dream of doing. Dropping everything and traveling, experiencing, feeling.
Experiencing life with bare feet rather than just trudging through it like you're stuck in the mud.

Its weird, you know, how people come in and out of your life just like that.
I don't think I'll ever see or speak to her friends again.

On the car ride back we were all just laughing, smoking, and enjoying ourselves. For one split second I looked up at one of her friends and we shared this really awkward eye contact. I think it was kind of a mutual hello and goodbye. We didn't talk much throughout the night, but we didn't need to... I just watched and listened and learned. These people. They come and go, they come and they go and its hard to keep track of them. All the people I've met...


At the cabin there was love everywhere. At times I felt like I was intruding upon intimate, personal moments that I maybe shouldn't have even noticed in the first place.
Like this couple, one that I'm assuming is a new couple, and their obvious ... LOVE for each other. Their passion. They couldn't get their hands off of each other, it was like that earlier in the day too. It wasn't anything dirty, obviously- it was public. It doesn't even have to be, these small things that you wouldn't think people would ever care about are the ones that matter more than anything.

The insignificant embrace of soft hands, the kiss on the temple, the deep emotionally charged eye contact. Life, life, life.

I never imagined how much enchantment could surround one small party at a cabin.

The warm feeling of the air
this hazy, mystic fog that swirled and billowed around us
the intensity of the pouring rain.

I don't even know, I shouldn't even be awake right now. Its almost 4:30am.


I have so much more to say, and there was so much I wanted to say to people in person but couldn't and blah blah blah here I am, not in an okay state of mind, alone and burning up on my tiny twin bed.


In this moment I am all that I have.

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